Now THIS Is Pure Kool-Aid Sippin’ Devotion

I’ll tell you what, those Starbucks fans are really sippin’ the kool-aid, for sure. You know, no matter how many times I hear that “people go to Starbucks for the experience”, I just don’t understand it.

Maybe I’m a retard or something, but WHAT experience? You get to stand on line for 20 minutes to speak a foreign language to get burned acidic coffee? Or, you get a cup of “glop” that has 1 ounce of coffee, cream, milk, sugar, flavor of the month, a trip to the dentist AND the cardiologist all in one!

Whoopee! Yeah, I’m the retard alright, but they’re laughing all the way to the bank, huh?.

Nevertheless, there I was last week, standing in Jim Jones house of coffee, right there on Dale Mabry in Tampa, when a nice young lady and her kid places their order ahead of me. I was here because frankly, there’s literally NOWHERE else to go for a cup of Joe, unless you want to go 10 miles out of your way to grab a Dunkin’ Donuts coffee — which tastes INFINITELY better.

Anyway, this woman places her order in 15-words of javascript or less (Reminds me of when we used to go into the Chinese restaurant at night when we were high and had the munchies. I didn’t understand how “1 Egg Roll” could turn into something that sounded as long as the Declaration Of Independence, and I don’t understand how “coffee, medium” can get so twisted here at Starbucks either, but… like I said — I’m the moron here.), and she also orders a “kids sized” beverage for her little girl.

She turns around to me and says, “Gotta get ‘em started early so they can drink Starbucks when they’re older.” A Starbucks addict passing the addiction on to her kid. I was going to call child protective services, but it slipped my mind in all the confusion of ordering.

Truly, she was a Nielsen ratings pop-culture dream.

Then, two days ago Anne comes home with a little pink container-sized coffee travel mug — looks more like a coffee sippy cup. Says it’s the “kid sized” cup for Sammy, so when they go to Starbucks she can get the kids sized beverage.

I really am retarded.

Now go sell something, Craig Garber

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